Even though I did everything right, I was living a nightmare.
Still A Mother
I was swelling with love, aching to rock them and care for them with all the tenderness I had with you, but I was trapped in a world without them. Nothing was happy. I was void of purpose and light. The sun still rose in the morning and set in the evening—not because I willed it to, but simply out of habit. I would go through the motions of keeping myself alive, but for what, I could not have told you.
I was a shattered mess of what I had once been and my mere existence was laborious. Then you came, screaming and determined to make the most out of the shells of parents you had been given. I was scared you would leave, and I would be left how you found me. But our bond was unrelenting, and demanded to be nurtured and felt. You, without even being conscious of it, demanded me to be your mother and learn how to do all the things I once longed to do with your sibling.
For Those Still Longing
You, my love, are a force of nature I recognize well when I look at those who have come before us. You made living easier. You gave me heart again and for that, I thank you. Being a rainbow baby puts no expectations on you. You are not a resolution to hard times, nor the means to the end of my grief. You are not here simply for the purpose of making me whole again. Listen to me when I tell you, your purpose is inherently your own and is not tied to repairing me. You were not born with a job. We do not desire you to be a replacement.
Throughout your life, I will cry and grieve. You will find me sitting alone with my thoughts, trying to find new details in old pictures in an effort to reconnect with your sibling who came before you.
longing heart | Humblepastor's Blog
As I raise you, nurture you and love you, I will be longing for your sibling. Every new experience I share with you will be shadowed by the realization of just what we have lost, a reminder of the void in my heart.
It will be marvelous, brilliant, and painful. You cannot take away my grief because I do not grieve for you. You are YOU, not them.
Price and Purchase
You are inherently worthy of your place on this earth and in my heart because of who you are as an individual, not because of the thing your breath has done for me. You see, when families who only have living members grow, so does their ability to love. We carry that love inside of us and it comes out in things like hugs, reading books, singing songs, and helping each other.
My grief for your sibling is a part of my expression of love for them. Previous: viii.
Ode at the Betrothal Next: x. Summary of the Vision.
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Though they are betrothed, the Bride has not yet made herself ready, not yet clothed herself with white linen as it was given her to do. Heart overflowing with a good theme, having the pen of a ready writer, 2 Psalm NKJV the Maker records the longing that marks the ages-long wait.
Calling Out Your Name. Patterned into every facet of this universe made for you, Etched in every leaf and stone and marked in your name Is my gathering love and generous purpose.
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O Yara Shalem, Yara Shalem, how often have I longed to gather you as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, 4 Luke Yara Shalem I have felt your name leave my tongue, fall from my lips a thousand times in the unslumbering night. Come, receive my love.
O Yara Shalem, I appear to you from afar, saying I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.